Isn't it just the truth that the biggest sting of regret hits when looking back on photos in which you were feeling so self-conscious and overweight, now realizing you actually looked great and were merely several debatable pounds heavier than your personal ideal, and instead, are currently actually far more self-conscious and far more overweight?
Same. Same. I feel so sorry for 10 year old me going through a temporary pudgy stage before hitting puberty, feeling guilt for indulging in what I understood to be too many frosted animal crackers that were just too irresistible. That short lived stage of slightly elevated body fat made me hyper aware of intentionally managing my weight. I may never forget a pair of pants, icy light blue shiny material with the Power Puff girls appliquéd along the bottom of the flare, into which I managed to squeeze myself, only to come out of the fitting room to a disapproving mother who wanted a) me to be comfortable and b) not to have to answer at a later time to, "HOW could you let me WEAR these?!"
Similar shopping trips would follow and embed a deep dissatisfaction with myself that I did not want to feel ever again. After a summer away, I had grown taller and was a very slender 5th grade girl, and I loved how I felt. My favorite clothing memory from the time is of a casual airy, cotton blend A-line 'spaghetti strap' dress in a tiny light purple flower print - I felt skinny, comfortable, and wonderful in my skin. Feeling great about my body became a pinnacle of self definition and overall happiness. And, at any given time growing up from then on, my younger self seemed to somehow achieve far more forethought, direction, and obedience regarding self-imposed diet rules than my later adult self could ever muster in an increasingly overwhelming, stressful, burning out like a falling star season in my life during which I gained the greatest amount of weight, the fastest.
I'll always say it: what is it with European culture wherein after a prolonged absence in each other's lives, we greet each other with blatant weight assessments? You better believe that someone's first words after a laugh WILL be, "Oh, look at you, you gained weight!" - while other cultures will lightly comment on the weather. Similarly, ever-watchful relatives in our daily lives will freely comment on our body composition, as well, "You've started to pack on a bit of weight, be careful." Part of me is glad about the honesty and being able to "call it what it is", especially in contrast to the hypersensitive context our society has created around such discussions, leading to what may be a harmful silence on the topic of weight gain. Unwittingly we're now always dealing with this great hesitation to acknowledge there's a scientific, biological precipice after which a person's accumulation of fat tissue has exceeded what is biologically acceptable before the excess causes serious physical consequences, not to mention the mental and emotional, personal and social.
All this to say, my dear European mother, an ever-watchful relative in my daily life, would offer up comments about my weight, sometimes straightforwardly and other times sensitively. I'd feel the hot pang of annoyance whenever (always-ever) she would correctly guess I'd gained 2 or 3 or 5 pounds. The annoyance and anger would cause me to undertake a few actions to self-correct, and I always managed to do so. Then, in my early 20s while I was in college, she made the weight comment one day, and I said, "Oh mom, so what?? I'll just eat less and I'll go back to normal, who cares?!" OH, MOM... SO, what? I'll JUST eat LESS and I'll go back to "normal"! (echo echo echo ) To which my mom replied, half-laughing but firm, "It's not going to be that easy, it gets harder you know!" And boy, was she ever right...
